July 18, 2017

I opened my eyes this morning with the sunlight greeting me as it does every morning. This light that reminds me that I must face the day no matter how disappointing it may prove to be. As long as I can remember, mornings have been tough for me. Mornings mean that I have to leave the comfort of my privacy and face a world I rarely enjoy engaging with. For years my goal has been to at least have the mornings to myself. That means giving myself enough time and space to gather the strength and will to do whatever it is that I must do for the day.

When I think about it, I realize that I’ve been living with depression my entire life. I don’t recall a time when I haven’t felt this way. My earliest memory of not wanting to engage with the world brings me to preschool. I didn’t care much for being there and I remember watching Popeye one morning in a room full of children thinking, “When can I go home?”. Later, this feeling would follow me to grade school. I remember third grade and those mornings before school, wishing for a natural disaster so that school would be closed. Although I loved to learn, I didn’t love the energy at my school. Everyone was so concerned with who said what about whom, or who had new Jordans. It all seemed so ridiculous to me even then.

I know that much of my disdain for the world stems from the absense of my father. I grew up feeling unprotected and unimportant. If I was so wonderful and pretty and smart, then why didn’t my father care about me? Why wasn’t he here to protect all my goodness? Somewhere inside of me I concluded that I must not be so great if my own father didn’t love and protect me. And although I’ve grown to learn that this is not true, the damage was already done.

It’s hard to explain depression to people. People tend to understand things that they can see and touch. And because I try my best to not burden people with my problems, few are aware of the depth of my personal struggles. The few times that I have shared some of my feelings with others, they immediately try to remedy the issue with a few positive phrases or they begin to verbally distance themselves from the issue. In all, what I’ve learned is that most people don’t really care about helping others that are having a difficult journey in life. Only when things go “too far” does anyone step up to say, “That’s so sad, why didn’t he/she speak to someone, ask for help?”.

Life is difficult for everyone at some time, this I understand. But some of us are constantly having a difficult time navigating through life, and I’m one of those people. I think it was easier for me when my mother was alive. She encouraged me and was the one person who cared about my day to day life. I wish she was alive now, I could use her love. I was told that being more transparent would be helpful for me, I don’t really agree, but very few people read my blog so it doesn’t really matter.

I guess the most difficult part of living with depression for me is pretending that I’m not depressed. The worst thing you can do as a depressed person is to let others know just how depressed you are, no one wants to hear that. You’ll depress them.

I realized that I was an introvert around high school. That’s what they call people who’d rather be alone than engage with situations or people that cause them to feel anxious or out of place. I guess I’m an introvert. It’s better than saying I just don’t care to be around people.

Over the years I have found people whose company I enjoy, but it’s still a challenge. I still have to muster up the will to engage with them. I’d so rather just be alone. I’m most comfortable when I’m alone or with nature. I know that the issue lies within me and not the people around me. I guess I just got off to a rough start in life and I’m still trying to find my footing. Navigating through my adult life alone has been quite challenging. I don’t have any parents to ask for advice or their thoughts about this or that. I just figure it out on my own, and it’s becoming rather exhausting. Having a mother was pretty awesome, I miss her.

I recently graduated from Hunter and as I feared I totally miss school. I was allowed time and space to grow, to engage with myself and my thoughts. In doing so, I began to feel safe again, more confident in a world that gives me agita. While in school, I’ve stayed active creatively. My painting has improved and I began to sing a little more than previous years. During my last semester, I decided to perform again once I graduated, and I’m in the process of fulfilling that goal. I think it’ll be good for me to sing publicly.

I’m not sure what this post is about or supposed to do. I haven’t paid much attention to grammar or spelling, so forgive me. It’s all just words that will probably mean nothing tomorrow. Tomorrow just might be a beautiful start to the next chapter of my life.


2 Responses to “sunrise”

  1. Awh my dearest Key. Please know I am always here for you to vent, moan, escape, dream, scream, whatever you feel the need to do. I may not be a momma to you but I sure do count myself as a big sister. I know our lives have gotten a bit hectic but at least now we are here once again in each other’s space. Love you so much and always.

    • key said

      Susan! I am feeling all of your love from Barbados! Thank you for your friendship and care today and the many days that I have benefited from your kindness and nurturing spirit. I need to come visit y’all down there and soak up some of that fresh ocean air. Sending love to you and the family. 🙂

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